Difficult Co-Workers
How to Get Along with Toxic Coworkers
© Melissa Dylan
Jun 11, 2007
Personality Conflicts can affect the workplace. A few tips on working through them.
Even the most laid-back workers can clash with other people. If you’re having a difficult time getting along with a co-worker, it’s your responsibility to work through it. Here are a few ways of going about it.
Don’t expect them to change. The biggest mistake people make in any relationship (not just between co-workers) is expecting the other person to change who they are or how they act. Particularly in a work environment, this is unlikely to happen—the person you don’t get along with sees YOU as the problem, not himself. The only behavior you can change is your own.
This means approaching the problem person differently. If he hates it when you dump trouble call tickets on his desk, ask how he’d like to receive them, and acquiesce. Don’t kowtow to a bully, but demonstrate a willingness to cooperate. You might just find him willing to change as well.
Pick your battles. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Turn the other cheek. Insert overused office cliché here. If you’re going to the mat over every single issue, you’re adding unnecessary tension to your relationship and your day. If you butt heads because he insists on each detail being done a certain way, go with it and move on. If, on the other hand, he his stealing ideas and presenting them as his own, it’s time to say something. Save your energy and attention for the real problems, and let the small ones go.
Agree to disagree. I learned this by watching the Muppet Show. No, really. That frog is smart.
Call in the big guns. Go to the boss only as a last resort. The last thing your manager needs is to mediate petty arguments. If your difficulties have escalated to harassment or bullying, it is necessary to bring the issue to your boss’s attention. Document each incident and set up a meeting with HR to go over the problem. If the issue is largely a personality conflict, try as best you can to leave management out of it. This way they understand that you’re capable of handling problems yourself, paving the way to career advancement.
Be the bigger person. Fish can choose not to bite. Even if a co-worker is baiting you, or deliberately pushing your buttons, it’s easier to simply ignore the problem. Like a bratty kid brother who desperately wants attention, he’ll turn his energy somewhere else as soon as you freeze him out.
These are a few ways to get started. Have a co-worker you just can’t get along with? Tell me about them in my discussion forum.
And remember: everyone is someone’s annoying co-worker. Even you.
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Comments
Jun 14, 2007 6:16 PM
Melissa Dylan
:
Who was your most difficult co-worker? How did you deal with this person?
I once worked with a woman who threatened a few co-workers and performed actual spells in her office against some of us (including, eventually, me). HR refused to fire her because her nose was so far up the butt of one of the new executives. She would come in on Saturdays to polish his leather chair and once broke her foot running to answer his phone, which is a level of dedication I have yet to acquire.
Oct 21, 2007 2:51 PM
L Dougherty
:
I have a coworker who is not a team player. She was given the job of getting more people trained to supervise stress tests but refuses to help share the load in actually performing the tests, leaving me to do it all the time. Although this task is not hard, it is very monotonous and one needs a break from it at times. As I said, this coworker refuses to pitch in and give me a break from doing it. I fear that reporting this to our boss will do no good as this coworker "has our bosses' ear" so to speak. Needless to say I'm looking to leave but I don't know if I can hang in till a new job comes along. Any thoughts on how I can cope with things until I'm able to extricate myself from this very toxic situation???
Oct 22, 2007 12:25 PM
Wendi K Vance
:
I have always had difficulties with this subject. Over the last few years, I have left one job after another because of this issue. Recently, I left a job after being there only one month for this very same reason, a horrible office bully.
This co-worker continously bullied me and it started my very first week. She used foul language in my presence, she called me horrible names such as "Sorry Ass" and she consistently talked behind my back. When I wasn't there, she looked through my work and my desk. She made comments that she was more intelligent then I was and she knew more than I did. She would go to my supervisor and tell her, she wanted to train me because I didn't know what I was doing. My supervisor would allow her to task me. This individual would give me tasks but she would only give me half of the instructions, setting me to fail. When I went to her for guidence she would call me names and use foul language. It progressively got worst.
I went to my supervisor about her, but there was no support. It made the situation worst and she was even more abusive than before. My supervisor talked to this co-worker. After the conversation, the bully came up to me and informed me that our supervisor talked to her but indicated it was only because I was complaining. I felt so humilidated and she said it in front of the entire office. I than became what they called, "The Petty Bitch and I was shunned in the office. No one would talk to me not even my supervisor.
I apologized to her, big mistake, and I even stood up for myself but it made me look even worst than before. I was shunned, by other co-workers on a daily bases. I couldn't get anyone to help me, I was still learning this job. Additionally, other co-workers became critical of my job performance, I couldn't do anything right.
My supervisor, our Human Resource individual, and the other co-workers accepted her bullying behavior, they shunned me and I felt so left out, that was in my first three weeks.
I ended up resigning, again, after just one month there. My resignation stated I felt I was not a good fit for the office. My administrator wanted me to clarify. When I expressed the specifics and details concerning my situation and the bully. He defended her behavior, explaining to me that I was the "Odd Girl Out" and needed to adjust my behavior. I even took full responsibility and accountability for the situation after I realized I was not going to obtain any support from him.
The majo
Feb 13, 2008 9:57 AM
Debra
:
I can totally relate. I have worked in a large medical hospital and its bad. I do speak up for myself and fight back. So far I do have a job but I am not happy. I am always the odd man out. I refused to be bullied. The only thing I believe we can do is get an education and become a professional which I have no desire to do.
Feb 18, 2008 4:09 PM
ann78
:
I can relate. I recently started a new job and the environment is really unpleasant. I brought up my concerns with my supervisor who noticed I was unhappy and urged me to tell her what was wrong. I told her I felt that some of my co-workers had been hostile since the day I started and that one coworker had chastized me very harshly in front of the whole office for a minor mistake which had really upset me. My supervisor voiced concerns that it was me, not my co-workers, who was the problem and that she was 'concerned'for me (not in a good way). I have decided after weighing my options to resign because conflict seems to be pervasive in the office, but I am worried that it will look bad on my resume to leave a job after a few months. How do I explain that to possible future employers?
Mar 2, 2008 3:06 PM
Melissa Dylan
:
It's really quite a shame that so many of us have been in this situation. Unfortunately there does not seem to be a lot of support in many work situations. As Wendikaren pointed out, a lot of times these situations occur in small environments without the support of HR or other personnel to intervene.
Bullying is not generally acknowledged as a real workplace problem, because people incorrectly assume that bullies grow out of it by the end of Junior High. Many supervisors assume that it "takes two to tango" and assume that the person filing the complaint provoked the bully. That is not always the case.
It's not always easy to disengage from these toxic people, but sometimes that is your only option. If a bully doesn't get a rise out of you, he or she may move on to a different target. If they see they are affecting you, they will continue their behavior. You are giving them your power every time you get mad and react. Is it fair? Absolutely not. But take a moment, count to ten, choose not to respond, and concentrate on your tasks.
As for explaining the short jobs on your resume, it's important to stress what you have learned from each experience, so in interview situations just emphasize that this time around you're committed to finding the perfect fit for both of you, to avoid the situation in the future. Then ask detailed questions about the job and environment (without sounding defensive) to be sure you're going into a supportive situation where this won't take place again.
